#016 - Insecurity - pt. 2

OCTOBER 2019

Ego, not Eggo.

I was driving my roommate and me to Starbucks at the time of this writing; honestly, it’s a daily ritual for us. It’s a chance to process and shape my thoughts and words. For him, it’s a free cup of coffee. This morning, I started talking to him about this concept of insecurity. He immediately asked where I was going with it and what I hoped to accomplish by the end of this journal. My response was a half-joke, but it made me realize that I should focus more on the causality of insecurity than the examples of insecure people in my life. I have plenty of examples of other people being insecure, but how can I be preventative for self-improvement?

I write about humility a lot because I feel it is the ultimate state of success. My roommate brought up how you can have confidence in your abilities and be humble at the same time. A lack of confidence in your abilities or who you are creates insecurity. Most people’s defense mechanism is to amp up their ego to compensate. That is why it is important to avoid the humble brag, but it is something more than that. The next two blog posts will explore this further.

You have to surround yourself with those who keep you humble. Humility is more than just a change in action; it is a complete change in mindset. It is aligning your thoughts to put others first and changing your feelings about situations and people. It also puts aside the need to brag. A phrase I’ve written that echoes in my mind is that instead of bragging about where I’ve been, I should encourage others to follow my lead. That only works if you are a person worth following, though - another reason to stay humble and avoid the need to brag. 

If you have confidence in your abilities, you can use this to create a mindset of humility. Confidence in your actions speaks louder than confidence in your words. This goes with the tireless idiom of actions speaking louder than words. When we are insecure, we are more likely to be egotistical with our words to cover up our insecure actions. When we are egotistical, we tend to drive others away more than pull them into our cause. 

Wouldn’t we rather people be on our side in any situation?

So, the way I encourage this behavior is to leggo my ego. It’s a phrase borrowed from a popular ad campaign by a frozen waffle company, and I want to remember not to fight situations when I’m battling to keep the last waffle. The more I let go of the ego, the more I’m opened up to influence. The more I influence, the more I can make the world a better place for those next to me. But this is only possible by removing from my life the ego that only covers up the insecure feelings. I also think my ego prevents me from shining a light in a dark place. Your ego is the bowl and the bushel to use Bible talk. Hide it under a bushel? No!

I cannot perform when I am egotistical, but it is the easiest way for me to be. The easiest way to get past the ego is to celebrate another's accomplishments. When you celebrate others, you are turning away from situations that encourage bad behavior. If you are not actively trying to quelch this feeling, then the feeling will surface at the least opportune time, like in Indiana for me.

God gives you abilities. It is up to you to make the most of your abilities in the short time we have here on Earth. To me, this is by teaching and helping others develop skills in my particular area of expertise, lighting. If you are not actively pursuing this mindset of developing others to help develop you into a better person, your skills will be wasted on an unworthy cause. This will ultimately cause you to lose the abilities that make up the ego of which we’re all so fond. 

An ego isn’t always bad, but an unchecked ego will cause friction in relationships. An ego run amuck will lead to distasteful actions and results. An unbound ego will set fires in dry forests. So, to fight insecurity, you must take down all that is inside you that makes you better than the person next to you. It is a violent process and may be disturbing to most. To destroy the very thing that could lead to outward destruction. Egos cause attitudes.

A self-centered person cannot self-sacrifice.

When you do not use your skills for the benefit of those around you, you begin to feel insecure. This is provided you and I put aside our egos and begin to help others.

Insecurity checkpoint.

Many people use their insecure feelings to drive most of their actions. I’ve already said that reaching and influencing people is impossible when you are insecure. So you’re pretty humble and pretty secure in yourself, but how do you help those who are insecure? I mentioned Alan earlier and a way to fight back when others' insecurity causes you to be insecure, but if you are trying to help an insecure person overcome their insecurity, how should you proceed?

First and foremost, listening to another’s struggles and responding to their needs is the best way to start. Then, consider the source of insecurity. I mentioned that Christ-followers are to find their security in Christ by leaning into prayer, loving others, and loving God first. In the everyday life of a non-Christian, it is hard to find this security. So, money becomes a source of security. Home and family create security. Blankets to some children or a favorite stuffed animal provide security to children. Security can be a safe place, a happy, warm embrace from a loved one, or it can be as simple as a cup of coffee.

Several lyrics from the song “Happiness” from the musical You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown summarize the source of all the characters' ultimate happiness at the show's end. Happiness or contentment can be as easy as finding a pencil or two kinds of ice cream. Contentment can be found anywhere and in anything that brings you happiness. Be aware of things that bring you temporary contentment at the cost of insecurity. This is the idea of getting out of your comfort zone. 

If you place your security in any tangible object, you may be able to have it removed at any time. However, your security cannot be taken away if you place it in Jesus and our Heavenly Father. The closer I am to God’s plan for my life, the more secure and content I will become. The obverse side of the coin is that the further away I am, the more I’m left questioning and insecure.  

If you have someone in your life who is insecure, ask questions to root out their state of being. For example, if someone is insecure about relationships, ask about their past relationships appropriately. There is always a reason for the way people act and think. There are always convictions and perspectives at work that help people make decisions. Your past perspectives and experiences drive your current security or insecurity. Once again, introspection is the key to healthy living and thinking.  

Deciding where your security lies will help fight feelings of insecurity. Creating a humble mindset will help fight feelings of insecurity. Also, knowing the people or environments that cause insecure feelings to arise in yourself as a triggering mechanism is incredibly important. If you can decide what is triggering your insecurity, you can prepare yourself for situations requiring more energy to center yourself on your security. I use the metaphor of a beaver dam to illustrate how holding back emotions can be detrimental, and I feel it also applies to insecurity. If the dam breaks and floods the river downstream, it can be seen how insecure thoughts, feelings, and emotions can flood and inundate those around you. Healthy thoughts are as much for yourself as they are for others. 

Landing the plane.

So, my encouragement is that you fight insecurity by any means necessary. Whether it’s staying off social media for any length of time or finding joy and happiness in the things that bring these to you, or it is as simple as doing nice things for others or reconciling relationships from your past. It took Alan almost seven days before he even began to allow me to reconcile with him, but all it took was showing up and saying hello. Persistence leads to perseverance that ultimately leads to prevailing over any thoughts that lead down the path to insecurity. 

My last thought on this is a quick story. I was mad at one of my friends for not texting me back, and I would make myself miserable until they did. This led me to many insecure thoughts and feelings about my worth. When I confronted him about it, he said something that rocked my world, "You should never let your security come from another person because people let you down because they're people." His advice was to write “You’re Awesome” on my bathroom mirror so I could remind myself every day, even on days when I did not feel awesome. That was years ago, and it still makes me smile. Never forget you’re awesome. Also, leggo, your ego.