#015 - Insecurity - pt. 1

OCTOBER 2019

While thinking about a clever way to start a journal about insecurity, I come to a very insecure thought. I’m not the best writer in the world. I’m not the most verbose and thought-provoking person I know. I use Grammarly and depend on spellcheck to tell me whether or not I’m using commas correctly or misspelling words like misspell. A word that I accidentally added to my Grammarly dictionary misspelled while writing that previous sentence. Now, I’m an insecure writer writing a journal entry on how insecurity can cripple your life, your faith, and your influence. How self-doubting behavior has the potential to lead to downfalls in most people’s lives, including myself. 

First, let us look at the word insecurity and the definition provided by the wonderful folks at Merriam-Webster: a lack of confidence or assurance, self-doubt. Before we delve much further into the topic of insecurity, perhaps it would be best to explore what it means to be the antithesis or opposite of being in such a state of mind. To start on a chipper note.

Think about a person you know who exudes confidence. A person who would leap without looking because they were certain of the outcome one hundred percent of the time. Now, remove your jealousy of this person for being in such a state. This kind of confidence and self-assurance befalls most humans because it puts you in the mindset of invincibility. This becomes an issue when your self-confidence prevents you from showing humility to others. I always want to make sure that I remind myself that complacency and self-confidence are interrelated. But where is the line? Where is the tipping point where self-confidence gives into this idea of stagnation or complacency, leading to insecurity?

You can be entirely self-confident and self-aware and stagnate in your life and career. I think it has to do with humility, but more so with comfort within your environment, not necessarily within yourself. So maybe insecurity starts when you are secure and fear growth. The root of insecure feelings could be fear, which happens when change comes into your life. The more secure, the better you can handle the change. The more insecure you are, the more likely the change will wreck your life. Fear is associated with decision-making in some cases. 

So, how do you be secure in who you are? How do we fight all this insecurity?

As a Christ-follower, I can easily say that my security comes from God and Jesus. That is a great start, but what if you’re looking for some quick tips on how to fight this feeling? I feel like saying that I am an incredibly insecure person. Big surprise, right? We’re all insecure in many different and unique ways. These are unique because they vary from person to person. Whereas an extrovert may find their security in a social event or a party, an introvert may find their security at home alone reading a book. As with most self-help assessments, introspection into your insecurity is required to be a less insecure person. Also, finding your security blanket is important. 

As I mentioned earlier, I have a lot of experience with this one. I’ve also been the cause of my downfall and ultimate self-sabotage. Hindsight is always crystal clear. With proper distance and introspection, I can clearly see my insecurity in any situation. Distance can provide clarity even if it temporarily hurts relationships. 

It is nearly impossible to predict the future but to live a more predictable life free from the downfalls associated with these feelings. You can see and speak the truth to those sabotaging their future because of present insecurity. But as with many things, we must go back to our past, the place where dreams are born.

Past, present, future. 

Alan was a product of the sixties and seventies, and all he wanted was to be a rock star. So much so that he devoted most of his time to building and maintaining this dream. It turns out that Alan wasn’t the best musician and never really had the exceptional qualities that the life of a superstar required. So, instead, he took a job as a local stagehand to fund his side gigs, all while using his main work to hopefully make contacts and build this career. As soon as he began working for the Union, he began a life of delusion and complacency. No offense to the hard-working guys at the local union.

When I met him for the first time, he was sporting a fedora and ponytail and immediately resented me for my work ethic and age. He was also wearing a scarf, and it was over ninety on most days, to paint the full picture. At first, I didn’t read this resentment because, like most gigs, I was completely in the zone and focused on doing a good job. This feeling, for Alan, started building on day one and came to a boiling point on day three when he assumed he knew what he was doing. His insecurity primed and ready to get the best of him. 

The short of it is that he created an unsafe situation on the worksite and blamed me instead of taking responsibility for his actions. I did what anyone would do when challenged and decided to fight back. Fortunately for me, my boss and his boss were on my side. Unfortunately, his insecurity caused him not to talk to me for the next few days. The funny thing is that I am contracted to work this event for the next two weeks, so I see him daily, much to his chagrin. Maybe you have experienced this in your nine-to-five.

In the aftermath of the situation, I yelled at him to stay in his lane and not assume safety because his assumptions could have killed someone. He fired back with typical It’s your fault because the system wasn’t foolproof. In his mind, it was as if I had set a trap for him to fall into by not setting him up for success.  

Afterward, I became guilt-ridden as the Holy Spirit convicted me to make amends. The night of the incident, I tried to talk to him. He ignored me. The next day, I said hey to him in the friendliest tone I could. He ignored me again. I did this for almost a week; somehow, he got in a better mood and at least began to be cordial. Maybe it was because he was counting down the days until my departure. Who knows?

I had put the past behind me completely, as Christians are supposed to do. His happiness and respect were the least of my worries. To throw in a Southern phrase: I had bigger fish to fry. In those moments you must devote your time and energy to things that matter and things you can control. That is when day thirteen rolls around, and Alan takes all this bitterness, resentment, and anger and directs it toward doing one thing: getting rid of me by any means necessary. He decided that he needed to speed up my departure. Unfortunately for him- his boss is on my side, so it’s no avail. Classic Wile E Coyote and Roadrunner bit or Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd.

So he begins to talk behind my back, brings another designer in to try and replace me, and makes my life difficult at every turn. I’m used to this because I get a lot of hate for being myself. I’ve also learned to thrive in such situations, which is this story's point. 

Never allow someone else’s insecurity to cause you to be insecure. Never sabotage influence with insecure feelings. And always turn the other cheek, but that’s a whole other Christian thing. 

Indiana Jones and the Indiana State Fair.

While loading in a week before my blowup with Alan, Joe could not pick me up from the hotel and take me to the fairgrounds most days, so I did what any good Millennial does in those situations. Uber is my choice, and on this particular day, a few minutes later, Cassandra showed up. She was a Christian, so we began to talk about Christianity as most Christ-followers tend to do. She made jewelry in addition to driving for Uber, and right before we got to the fairgrounds, she took a bracelet off of her wrist and gave it to me. It was such a kind gesture that I decided to wear it while working. It saved me from doing the wrong thing a bunch of times.  

Although it didn’t prevent me from yelling at Alan, it made me want to apologize for losing my cool immediately. Even though the people of Indiana didn’t know me, they knew I was a Christian. Even if they did not understand me, they knew that I was a man of God. Something my grandparents taught me. Something my parents teach me. Though I was insecure enough to let Alan get to me, fighting back as a Christian involves showing love in all situations. Even if I want God to smite Alan, I need first to see Alan as a neighbor and a human. I need to empathize with his situation. See why he is in such a state. 

I had to ask myself why I was in such a state emotionally and physically, too. The more I gave in to being a nice person who just showed up and did my job, the more it enraged him, and the more I could fight back. It is the Christian equivalent of striking back with love. You have to love people who hate you. You have to be nice to the people who wrong you. And you have to do good in all situations because that is what love necessitates.  

Towards the end of my time in Indiana, Alan began to loosen up and relax around me, and I continued my barrage of nice. I think he began to understand that I wasn’t trying to upset the order of things but merely doing my best job. We had to work together at the end of the day, and it was better together than apart. 

The state fair was an amazing adventure through the culture of another state. In America, we are as diverse as we are American, and it is incredible to see the colloquial differences between different regions. Still, we are all part of the same country and all part of the same culture. No matter where I go, it always feels like home because the whole country is my home. That is what it means to be an American and a Christian. Every Christian home should feel like home to any Christian. Any business run in a Christ-like way should feel like home to a Christ-follower. 

All environments that are Jesus-centered should feel like home to a Jesus follower.