#003 - Gossip - pt. 1

MARCH 2017

People have the proclivity to believe any story, be it true or not. We don’t argue against this in a country that allows open protest, but free speech is still limited to the facts of any situation. We also live in an age where the facts can be checked instantaneously. A fact that seems to be forgotten in polite conversation. Perhaps most dangerously of all, erroneous statements can cause great damage to a person’s character, especially when the stories against them overshadow the facts of any situation. I believe that at the heart of all of this is the practice of gossip. 

One man’s gossip is another man’s gossip gold.

Yes, the word of the day happens to be one that no one can escape, no matter how perfect and well-lived their lives are. We’ve all been a victim of it, and at some point, we have been carriers and spreaders of it, too! It is like the flu or a virus in the way it is harbored and spread by word of mouth. You only need to breathe in the same air as an infected person to catch the flu. The air of gossip is equally contagious! So, how do we immunize ourselves against this gossip contagion? 

Any malcontent needs an equally good opponent. Superhero movies work well to explain this concept, so choose your favorite and apply it here. The nemesis of gossip should be the truth, but there is this idea of spinning a story in your favor, even if it is untrue. Because the truth can be stretched, it can be sugar-coated and fabricated. So maybe the antithesis of gossip is not to combat it. Maybe the opposite of what brings so much pain in our lives is simply living outside of the spread of such ill words. 

Understand me. This is not a complacent action but a spurning of the situations that encourage the spread of gossip. 

The childhood thief.

When I was a kid, my mom stressed the importance of many things. Mainly the life lesson of the power of honesty and integrity no matter what. A quick story to illustrate.

When I was about four or five, I was shopping with my mom. At this point in my life, I had never been told no. I was accustomed to asking politely and immediately getting what I wanted afterward. Today at the store, I saw some candy that I wanted. I asked my mom; she said no. I decided to take the candy, and I would have gotten away with it had I not decided to eat it on the way home. 

My mother, being the astute and intuitive woman that she is, saw me chewing on something she hadn't given me. She also saw that it was the candy I had taken from the store—the candy that I was told I couldn’t have. Being a proud and Godly woman, she took me back to the store, and to make sure I knew that stealing was wrong, she made me pay the cashier and apologize—all over a piece of candy!

I remember the shame in walking back into the store, looking at the manager in the eye, giving a quarter to her, and softly saying I’m sorry.  Surely, it would have been easier for my mom to look at the situation and drive away. Kids will be kids, but she wanted me to remember. Mom had made her point and made a lasting emotional memory for me. Stealing is wrong, but if you’re gonna steal, make sure it's enough money so they can never find you again. That’s a funny joke, but-

I’m happy to say I haven’t stolen anything since. 25 years clean.  

Don Quixote de la Mancha trust.

Even during the worst trials, there is comfort in knowing that you have acted with great character and integrity—something that my mom always does to this day. However, there is a downside, a caveat. There are other people in life who do not hold the same values as yourself!

We’ve all experienced this at some point, or if you’re practically perfect like me, you’ve only heard stories about it. The identity theft pandemic comes to mind, one in which a person steals the identity of another just for some easy credit and big-screen TVs. So, how do we sort out people of good integrity from those with less-than-good integrity? 

Wouldn't it be nice if we could live our lives in such a naive way to trust others blindly? I’m reminded of the Spanish tale of Don Quixote, the naive and deluded knight who fights windmills. His firmly held convictions cause both good and self-harm, as firmly held convictions tend to do. The good is his love for Dulcinea, whom he will go to great lengths to win over, but his love is also his downfall, for it is unrequited love and one that causes him to fight the windmills, thinking they are giants. There is a difference between being delusional and naive and having a good sieve for people.  

We live in a world where we are constantly told that any number of particularly awful things can happen to us at any minute. Sensationalized stories are slung at us in rapid succession, so it becomes easy to get caught up in the drama. Then, the drama becomes your life. Then you become infected by it, and it begins to spread in the lives of those around you. Suddenly, your life becomes the fanatical story you just watched on the news.

So, back to deciphering how to decide who to trust and who not to trust.

 It’s easier than you think, like really easy.

Just hang out with people who act, think, and talk like you! I’m kidding. It’s really about finding a group of friends who both challenge you and hold this concept of integrity in the same high esteem. Integrity is seriously gossip’s kryptonite. Being a Christ follower and looking to the Bible for wisdom, I find it easy to draw on the knowledge of scripture for this one. Christ was all-inclusive, which is a hard act to follow. He also encouraged a turn-the-other-cheek lifestyle, which catalyzed the growth of integrity. All things that inhibit gossip.

The Old Testament, however, was crazy exclusive! How did Jesus combat this old way? 

First, a look at how followers of rabbinic Judaism kept themselves so pure and clean. They only trusted people who were of the same race! Seriously. At the time of the second covenant, Jewish people were noticeably different and separated from their non-Jewish counterparts, making it easy for them to decide who they could and could not trust. If you’re having trouble trusting people, why not try to blindly trust fellow Christians? I wish that were good enough, too, but it may be a good enough start.

When Jesus created the third and last covenant, this new all-inclusive religion had only one great compound commandment: love God and love others. Love of God is easy, for God is love. Love of others is hard and where true integrity training begins. By loving others, you enter into a trusting relationship with another person. It could be as easy as opening the door for someone or giving a meal to a homeless person. Small acts show great love for others. 

All this helps promote environments and situations that are naturally gossip-free.

Kicking butt and taking plates.

In my early days of contracting at my home church, I started taking everyone’s plate after dinner. I noticed that people would sit and talk after eating, and no one likes sitting in trash while talking. Maybe it’s the waiter in me. So after every meal, when everyone was done eating, I would gather all the dirty plates, napkins, and silverware and clean up after everyone. It was so no one noticed I left the table to smoke a cigarette. 

Churches frown on such behavior.

It became this thing that every time I ate dinner with this church, I did it without fail. The crazy thing was how much it changed the mood of the room. After a couple of months of doing this, I was done eating when the senior pastor came over and took my plate. It’s been a tradition ever since. God is in the little actions as much as the big ones. Through seemingly insignificant acts, you can make the world a better place for the person next to you, no matter who that person happens to be. Even if they hate that you smoke.

I can trust someone who acts similarly to myself in small acts of kindness. On the flip side, you can say that I distrust people who haven’t time for these acts. I think that should be an important factor in deciding who you can or cannot trust and who may be susceptible to the ills of gossip. People who value what you value will be people you can trust, but people who value you are the ones who become true lifelong friends. So choose wisely, but love infinitely!

I heard it through the grapevine.

I want you to think of the last time you heard a rumor about someone. Go ahead, think. I’ll wait. 

Now, please think about your reaction to that rumor. Was it positive or negative? Most likely negative, right? I don’t think I’ve ever heard a rumor with a positive spin. It is delivered with an air of, “Did you hear about-?” Followed by a response of, “No! Tell me more-” 

Again, the idea of spin is important to spend a quick second. 

When a person gossips about another, what is happening is a power shift. A person who gossips is taking the power away from another to create the spin of their own story, and everyone has the right to tell their own story. This is America, after all.

I know what you’re thinking: what if someone lies to me?! What if they spin their own story, and it’s all a lie? Isn’t gossip good if you are being told they are lying? No, never is this a good thing. I think the fool me once saying applies here because if you haven’t first-hand experienced a person lying to you, you cannot place that label onto a person. Just like if you haven’t been told or haven’t experienced any situation firsthand, then who are you to assume and place speculative thoughts into conversations without knowing anything other than the person involved? 

It is why abstaining from gossip is the only way to combat it. 

If you have been told a person is a liar, trust them with something small to test them. Also, see if they are prone to gossip. If you are secure in who you are, you should be able to invest in a person and help them in every way you can. If that person happens to have had an affair, stolen something, or needs a helping hand, then you can possibly help change a life by starting small, by placing a little trust in a little thing.

Tiny actions change the world much like small streams become big waterfalls. 

It is frustrating to be duped or taken advantage of, but as with most things, there’s a line to toe. An example would help illustrate this concept.

Psychology is my pastime. When people meet for the first time, the human brain is constantly processing and discerning, using the powers of perception to create an opinion of the other in the conversation. This opinion forms almost instantly and sometimes cannot be shaken, no matter what. Stigma is involved, and societal pressures force conformity so that you know what’s going on and how to respond. 

It is not our fault that such things happen. It is by design. Since I am a Christian, I believe that God designed humans with the ability to discern and aid in decision-making. Mainly to decide what to eat, what to wear, and now topically who to trust.

It is a shift in perspective, like wearing a new pair of sunglasses for the first time.

Rose-tinted Ray Bans.

When this lens is applied to daily interactions, it becomes a simple matter of using these built-in powers of perception to understand what the person you are talking to really wants. Simplified, you have to be good at reading people. This is a lesson in discernment more than anything else, and that is why a good people filter is an important life hack. 

All this goes back to trusting people in the little things, just like God trusts you with the little things. So, how do we cultivate all this trust? I could go into the freedom in surrender metaphor, but it is that simple. Start small, give a person something to prove trustworthy, and then build a relationship. It’s that easy. 

Be discerning and trusting with the little things, which may turn into big ones.