#002 - Angsty Intros - pt. 2

JUNE 2016

But what can you possibly learn from me? 

I want to start by saying that to me transparency is a trait that I find valuable in a person. I like being able to look a person in the eyes and be able to see exactly what they are thinking. Words can cover up most anything but a face never lies. People who overinflate their accomplishments with words hide a deeper insecurity.  

I know all these things because I am a notorious exaggerator. I hate the word liar. I exaggerate to hide when I should instead be using what I’ve learned to invest in others. The latter I do in excess- much to the annoyance of those around me.

This is why faith is important to me. When you identify with a certain group of people you are held to the standards of the whole group. Even if you are not part of a group- you identify with you and whatever standards you hold yourself to. 

For example: If a group were to be anti-something and pro-something else then more than likely due to group dynamics and a classic case of peer pressure, you would more than likely follow suit. Just one of many inescapable facts of life.

What follows this is even more nasty- war, pestilence, death all because of one equally dark and sinister C-word; Convictions. Def. a firmly held belief or opinion. It is important to note that these can be either positive or negative.

Convictions like these are based on groupthink, on perceptions, and on the experiences that required the perception to begin with.

I know perception, is a big word. It means the ability to use the senses, to become aware of something or some noun. The way a person might perceive an event might include an understanding of the event through sights and sounds, or more so using their perception to process what is presented before them. A person then develops an opinion based on their personal perception.

It is natural for humans to do this. It is how you decide what to eat, where to shop, and what groups or organizations you choose to support. Actions are tied to perception, therefore to opinion, so to not act on perception, could be stating that you have no opinion or that you support the opinion of that to which you belong. In this sense your perception is everything. 

However, this is nothing new. It is an intrinsic quality of humanity and helps us every single day. In Psychology, Sigmund Freud argued the three parts of human thought. He believed in an Id, an Ego and a Superego that interact to provide humans with cognition to aid in effective decision making.

Simply stated, the Id is the desire to eat, the Ego tells you how to hunt for the food, and the Superego provides the final conscious decision of what you should eat. Even simpler, I’m hungry, I choose McDonald’s, though I know I should not.   

All tangents aside...Perceived differences create stereotypes and promote xenophobia. Convictions based on perceived differences cause the aforementioned wars and pestilence (pestilence being a fun word for plague)- in this context merely suffering.  

On the bright side, the thing drew me back to Christianity is the connectivity of God, and the unconditional and mercy oriented person of God through Jesus . Call it the great conviction. A conviction based on God’s perceived state of the world and its necessity for a savior.

I feel that God really did love his creation so much that he sent one last hope for humanity. A force of unity to solve the problem once and for all. The problem of these needless convictions and urbane thoughts. Thoughts that were turning mankind away from the creator and against one another.

Sometimes you just have to write all of that out, and then read it over again to make certain that your personal convictions do not seem childish, just slightly pedantic. 

It is hard for me to write this last part.

It’s something I always knew I might have to do, and I have been trying to save it for the right moment. Not for an attention grabbing stunt, but just when the time was right. I had always had the intention that I would try and use this to affect as many people as possible. Nothing is gained from negativity. All martyr talk aside…

I say that because I am a gay male living a conflicted lifestyle, based on the past convictions of the church. Afraid for losing my position and my influence to the point that I cannot fully open up to those around me. I follow the mentality of- if they only knew the real me I’m sure we would all be cool. 

But then there are the closed company talks, for when you’re deep undercover, the conversations are uncensored, you become a rebel behind enemy lines listening to the latest reports. It is really a vast varying range of emotions about this topic in particular. 

Most of this I wrote in the past year and I have been adding to it since, but now I feel it is time. Especially after watching Andy’s latest talk on the bible, and the historicity of the narrative. It makes me put my faith more in the person of Jesus and God than in some historical writings. 

These are my personal feelings about the whole gays in church thing, and thank you for reading this far. I would go into an explanation of the accounts of homosexual rape mentioned in the Bible, for I am against all rape, but it is easy to see where I am going. 

So instead I want to provide my personal gay christian manifesto, or what it means being gay and a Christian. A lot of these have been ongoing struggles, and my past is marred with lessons and close calls with HIV to where a lot of these are as recent as 2 years. 

1. I do not have causal and/or anonymous sex. I will refrain until marriage.

1. I realize that others may be uncomfortable with public displays of affection or hand-holding and I will refrain in certain crowds. (Don’t incite policy, turn the other cheek)

1. I will be tolerant of others, be kind to other gay people, and support connectivity over strife, and words over weapons.

1. I will mentor and use my free time to enrich the lives of others.

1. If I choose to, I will marry and adopt kids in need of parents.

1. I will be loyal to my boyfriend or spouse, and will flee any risky situation.

1. I will encourage others, be loyal to friends, and support those in need.

1. I will love God and love other people, for there is no greater commandment according to Jesus.

Even when the world caves, even when  the wars waged, even when the fight calls. I’ll take heart. This a line from one of my favorite current songs. I’m sure when I go back and read this in years to come I’ll bemoan the use of a then outdated song. I hope that you have read all of this and have taken the key points from it to heart. Just because I am gay does not disqualify me from being a Christian or make my story any less relatable.